But, have we got that backwards?
On whose authority are we basing this on?
What does Scripture really say about our personal happiness? Are we to pursue it?
I'm having many health issues again, similar to after I had my last child with 15 month old twins still needing me fully, (tandem nursing 3 was zero fun, trust me). My breasts still fill with milk when I hear a newborn bleat even though I have not nourished a child from them in 4 years, painfully so.
My health has occupied much of my life, because it affects my living so deeply. If Momma is sick, nothing gets done. Sad but true. Anyone who knows me personally can understand my need for organized living. Everything must have a place, and in that place it must return after use. No one in my family is the same. In fact, many of my children just don't SEE the filth they create. Even my oldest, who tends to be the neatest individual of my spawn so far needs to be reminded 'edges are important'. Cleanliness makes me happy. Rooms that look like they could be photographed for a magazine make me happy. Realistically, a home with a family of seven, majority of whom are under 10, plus two currently shedding dogs, clean is tragically short lived. Especially when every single meal and snack must be made completely from scratch, and the outside amasses itself onto clothing every single day.
Why am I obsessed with this neat appearance?
Why do I pursue my own happiness?
I can justify my crazy control freak OCD from the idea that I am teaching my children to respect things and be good stewards of what has been given them/us by God. Yeah, that is true. However, my approach to achieving this is usually anger when they aren't doing the job I've given them (especially in the toy room) and are instead playing quietly amongst the chaos. Anger does not come from righteousness.
As a child I would choose places that were clear of clutter in order to play. Coming from a larger family that fully lived hard in a small space, untidiness was a given. I usually played on top of furniture or on my bed on my side of the room, sometimes even in closets. My mind cannot wrap itself around these kids who can ignore their surroundings.
I want things done now, my way because it's right, yesterday if possible!!
I forget that life IS mess.
Because I no longer have energy to keep up with my regular routine, I get stressed, and my stress worsens my health, and so on. It is a vicious cycle. I want to get healthy and back to my normal self, I seem to be my worst enemy though. Recently I've lashed out at my husband, and it is only by God's perfect Grace that he forgives me.
Last week, I had an epiphany.
In my striving for excellence in domestic duties, I have put less energy into what matters the most.
Let that sink in.
I am the first to admit that I am motivated by tasks. I like to DO. God in His wisdom created me this way. I draw my worth from my performance when I'm not drawing it from Jesus, but I have focused more on the wrong things and by slowing me down, The Lord has again gently reminded me to stop. He does this often, but like a spoiled rotten brat I naturally move toward my own way of thinking and doing because that is what I think makes me happy.
Father God, help me to:
Stop striving for self.
Stop striving for perfection.
Remind me that:
Perfection exists only in the Person and Work of Jesus Christ.
Thank you Father for directing my sight to your Word and your Truth.
Will I stop being a neat freak? No. I will always need to live in a orderly home, and I will always enjoy the task of organizing. With help from my King I guess I could live in a home that looks like there are people around enjoying their stay here as I enjoy them. These people are only in my care for a little while longer.
So there is hope.
“Go forth today, by the help of God’s Spirit, vowing and declaring that in life—-come poverty, come wealth, in death—come pain or come what may, you are and ever must be the Lord’s. For this is written on your heart, ‘We love Him because He first loved us.’” ~ Charles H. Spurgeon