Insomnolence

Hello my poor neglected online presence, how are you?  Life has been very busy in the real world, a whirlwind of happenings that I will only remember if I sit down and think really hard about them.  Like now.  The flurry of activity has been full of good, bad, and not much ugly.  (Christmas/Dinner parties + Dress-up = fabudelepicness.)  So far through it all I have become more in awe of the Sovereignty of God.

He is perfect.

I must admit now that the holiday season is here, and the world around is bustling, impatiently climbing over one another to get that perfect gift for a loved one...I feel kind of detached from it all.  I've still decorated my house, I've still baked delicious, full of carbs and fatty treats. I get exited with my children when we see Santa.  My detachment is not with the Season itself, but with what the Season represents to most people.  I know I won't be gathering with the regular folk I have celebrated with my entire life for the first time this year.

I feel like there has been a death. Yes, like something died, was laid to rest, and now it's just a memory.  Sometimes the reflection brings forth a touch of a smile on my face; sometimes my heart aches so hard for the wasted years of nothingness, I feel like it is shredding itself on my rib cage as it tries to escape my chest.  Hard to describe losing something precious. I find it difficult to compute how easy it was for others to cut me off and throw me away.

No one wants to face reality, we just want to keep our head down and move along and be comfortable, not rock the boat or be noticed for fear of what we might lose, or have invested our time in. No one except me.

I accept what has happened and is happening with a joyful heart always because my life is designed perfectly by my Creator.  If anyone thinks I could change God's plan then they don't get God's Sovereignty.

What brings you comfort?

For myself, it is the Word of God and The Spirit of my Saviour.  Nothing more.  There isn't anything more.

We've recently started sponsoring a wee boy, and our seven year old commented about how amazed the child would be to see our local grocery store, it's massive size large enough to give someone a good workout with a step counter.  Doing something for a little boy that eventually we might meet someday taught and is teaching my own babies that things aren't what makes a person happy, a person is gifted with happiness, and will make the best of everything no matter what, but this small child knowing that he will eat for another month is just the topping of the cake.

Life isn't about us, and what we can get out of it.

Things break. Things disappoint. Things wear out, or don't work with other things even though they come from the same manufacturer. Things can't challenge you, or if they were designed to the point is to eventually beat the thing. How many times can I count that I have been happy to learn something new only to forget about it once it's old news or something better comes along that replaces the last thing?

I must admit I used to be the type that would enter the New Year in debt, because showering my loved ones with items they wanted, and even needed, satisfied my prideful inner self.  I tend to be generous with stuff to appease others because I'm a social freak and not good with words in a face-to-face conversation.  I've been known to say things that hurt, or cause pain, which is never my intent except when it is, but no one wants to hear the truth and so to avoid confrontation which inevitably follows suit with most of my interactions I instead bake pie and offer that in lieu of my opinion.

I'm wrong.

I know I'm wrong.

I know The Almighty gave me this voice for His purpose, and that if I neglect to speak His truth I am hiding my light under a bushel. I know this.  Abba, help me!

God's Truth is real. It is not a thing. God's truth does not change with the times, nor does His Truth conform to anyone's lifestyle. His Word is spoken, and then He writes it on an individuals heart, in His time, if you belong to Jesus Christ. The message of God's Truth is above all, we love.  That's it.  Love is an action, a focus on others and something humanity is very bad at, giving a gift doesn't count.  Love is calling on a friend and offering whatever that person needs when it's most inconvenient to you.  Love is believing the best of people regardless of their actions and forgiving them over and over even when they show no signs of repentance   Love is enduring the worst, putting self aside, rolling up the sleeves and doing what seems necessary for another human being regardless of what you may or may not get out of it.  Love is warning a person about God's Holy wrath.  Love brings about restoration, whether an issue has been sleeping for decades, or just popped up while you are reading this.  

What happens if an issue becomes a festering boil hidden under layers of years of practice, a gross pustular bulge called, bitterness? (Hebrews 12:15, Ephesians 4:31)  I myself have held seeds of this disease, cultivated it's essence and allowed a sprig to root, but The Holy Spirit has destroyed any remnant left from years past and what remains is sweet, a mind full of loving thoughts and a heart full of pity. (Psalm 71:20-21)  I am no better than the next guy, no one is. I still struggle with resentment, but it's not my master. I know who I am and I thank God He is slowly showing me my filth in tiny cycles, His mercy is astounding.  I am being washed away constantly and what will be left is what God sees Eternally.  My gratitude is overwhelming and I want to share it with everybody, but I'm really bad at it.

Forgive my melancholy attitude.

I tried to go to bed early tonight in anticipation for a busy weekend, but because my brain is stupid it will not cease to think and so I thought stupidly I'd see where my blog was.

It was right where I left it.