Hold On

What is so important about hurt that I keep such a tight grip on it?

When I am offended, I want to punish that person as much as I can, to show them how much they shook me. I know I do this. I want that person to feel as much pain as I did, so then I can feel better about my wound. I don't just ignore a person, no, I throw bombs at them regardless of the shrapnel I may be exposed to as well. In that approach, I am confident that they are left in worse condition than I am.

I lash back because sometimes the offense is a spotlight revealing a truth I've been able to ignore or justify thus far. I do not like it when my human nature is revealed. I would much rather people see me a certain way, only the good, and not the weak human I am, who struggles with lust and desires of the flesh constantly.

My pride wants everyone to think I'm an outstanding, godly woman, who craves holiness and who lives a Christ-like life.

This is half true.

And it's only true because through Jesus Christ, in Gods eyes, I AM a holy, unblemished daughter in His kingdom...along with everyone else who belongs to God.

When I start putting myself first, seeing myself as an individual, with individual desires, wants, dreams, separate from everyone God has placed in my life, well, things go bad and the persecution begins. I can take my Christian duty too far, and point out obvious flaws in other people, not understanding why they would be so mad at me for doing so, because I thought I was being helpful.

But then my flaws are pointed out to me, and I defend myself because how dare THEY say that to ME. And this is my sin. God is so kind to be chipping away at my filth, teaching me that Christs way is the only way. Jesus had every right to knock men down off their own thrones they had built, and in fact He did. But Jesus did it in such a way that could only scream humility.

Proverbs 27:17 comes to mind when I'm dealing with being confronted by others....but it's the way this verse should be understood that is important. As Iron, I am NOT supposed to pierce someone, no, I am to challenge another with love, and gentleness, and an understanding of that they may not have ever heard about what I'm talking about.

New International Version (©1984) As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. New Living Translation (©2007) As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend. English Standard Version (©2001) Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another. New American Standard Bible (©1995) Iron sharpens iron, So one man sharpens another. GOD'S WORD® Translation (©1995) [As] iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens the wits of another. King James Bible Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend. American King James Version Iron sharpens iron; so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend. American Standard Version Iron sharpeneth iron; So a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend.

I can draw from my own experiences, maybe from the experiences I witness from those closest to me and gain an understanding of what may be happening around me in my life that is a lesson I must be learning. My dad had a terrible gross, awful gash on his leg that refused to heal. It was quite the feat to re-open it, keep it from mending on the outside, so that the nasties could be scooped out from the inside. Gross and agonizing, but my dad was a trooper.

He didn't want to lose his leg.

When someone causes me anguish, I am like that wound. On the surface I appear to be fine, well, good-to-go, with not a care in the world. But the damage is done, and if left unchecked it pusses and boils with gangrenous force, rotting away my insides until it bursts forth before I lose my mind. This is what happened in some of my relationships, left to decay, putrid in a corner, hidden. The infection needs to come out. The decomposing remnants of a love I once shared needs major remedy. I just don't know how to go about repairing it, because whatever I say will be taken badly. So, as I sit here typing this out, I've come to the conclusion that only God can orchestrate the necessary healing, and I will wait on His timing alone.

God designed my life for me, not for you, or them, or my kids. God designed it so my individuality would cease and my Election would increase, meaning, putting myself last always.

Including my feelings.

Even as Iron, I should be as a lamb.